Lloyd Bonafide
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Bio
Lloyd Bonifide, 68 is a Korean War veteran who owns a heating and plumbing company of 30 employees. Bonifide is a very proud war veteran who feels everyone owes him something for his service to his country. On Veteran's Day, he went to Socias Restaurant in Alhambra and was upset that they had no 10% discount for veterans so he complained to the manager. He was further upset that the manager was a "Jap". Further the "little monkey put his hands on me and no monkey puts a hand on me!" So Lloyd returned to the restaurant to protest the lack of veteran's discount.
Lloyd also was enfuriated that he was harassed during the Gas Boycott. As a Korean War veteran (again) he did not feel any one had the right to tell him anything including telling him to not buy gas. Lloyd is always full of himself as a veteran who was imjured when an ammo site blew up injuring his foot. So when he found out that the three POW's from Bosnia got all this attention and received Purple Hearts and other medals "for not being able to read a map and getting captured." His constant referral to the three war heroes as "monkeys" caused an uproar among Phil's listeners.
Lloyd shared a room with a friend of 40 years on a Mexico golfing excursion. When he woke up one morning, there were coins, matchbooks and paper clips on the bed around him. The friend said he threw the stuff at Lloyd because he was snoring (which he denies). Lloyd said it was an assault on him, and the friend should watch out, because as a combat veteran, he has a certain reflexive reaction. Lloyd then grabbed a handful of shirt and told the friend if he ever did it again, he'd give him a big case of "what for", "no monkey puts his hands on me". The friend further insulted Lloyd by saying he needs therapy. As an example of the reflexive reaction, Lloyd said how his grandson jumped on his back, and Lloyd went into a reflexive violent mode and did a ju-jitsu throw and the grandson hit the wall, bounced once, bounced off the lower ledge, broke thru a screen, and came to rest on a sofa.
Other things bother Lloyd also. He was recently cut off on the road by a car with one of those Christian fish metal things on the back of the car. He was so upset that he followed the car and when it parked, he pried the fish off the car. He started doing it to all the "fish monkeys" that did not act Christian and cuts a Korean war veteran off on the road.
Lloyd is a staunch defender of senior citizens rights to drive, and feels they are wrongfully blamed for accidents that are not their fault. Once his garage door failed to open and he drove his car through the garage door, causing over $3,000 in damage to his vehicle. Even after the people from Elite Auto Service (who installed the garage door) confirmed that the remote did not work, people still made snide remarks about senior drivers. Lloyd insists it was faulty equipment that caused the damage. Plus, he wasn't at fault in any of the 20 accidents he's had, including the six fatalities. Callers who stated that Lloyd caused the damage to his own car by driving through the door were brushed off and told they were giving him "crazy talk."
Because of his outrage about the controversial Calvin Klein ads in New York, Lloyd organized protests against the pornographic ads. He asked people to come to the Alhambra Youth Center and bring their CK underwear. They held a bonfire to burn the underwear in protest. In further protest, Bonifide wanted all people to protest by not wearing underwear. He directed all 30 of his employees to not wear underwear. Lloyd told Phil it was pretty obvious to tell if his male employees were complying with his orders. lloyd had to use on of his five foot pipes to surreptiously lift the skirts of his female employees to ensure that were complying with his wishes. You can imagine the phone calls!
Lloyd Bonafide's wife was taking a painting and sculpture class that had a 55/60-year-old nude male model. Lloyd objected because he was abnormally endowed (the size of a water buffalo). His wife did sketches and a clay sculpture of him. When Lloyd found out about the sculpture, he blacked out, drove down to the sculpture classroom and woke upholding the snapped off "hangy thing" in his right hand. The clay sculpture was 12 inches high, and the member was 7 ½ inches long - Lloyd figured the guy's member was 4 feet long! - Phil thinks the wife just made a mistake. Lloyd thinks his wife isn't satisfied with the pipe he can lay, and wants someone who can bring some heavier lumber to the construction site.
One of Lloyd's most recent exploits was designing a video game, Grandpa's Attic. The man his daughter married is in the Video Game industry and wouldn't even take a look at it and help Lloyd get the game produced due to its rather controversial nature. In the game, the players assume the rolls of children and explore Grandpa's attic to uncover gold doubloons, funny hats, a loaded shotgun, and a perverted uncle. "...the lights come back on, the uncle is gone from the screen, and both children have been fully molested."
Road Rage Incidents
Threw a flaming newspaper at a driver that cut him off.
Threw a cat a driver that cut him off. The driver pulled over, gave Lloyd back the cat, and shook his hand.
Sent a women driving a SUV into a river, because she was tailgating him.
Followed a women who drove in the perimeter of his R. V. to a 76 Station and grabbed a handful of her blouse.
Breaking Off Hold
One should not fool with Lloyd or make fun of his abilities, because he showed Phil that he could fight his way out of hold which he did several times to Phil's chagrin. Shortly after Phil announces that Lloyd has been put on hold you will hear: "YEEAAAAAAAHHH, I fought my way off of hold!"
Songs
I Gotta Rock -
I Gotta Boogie-
I gotta boogie, all night
I gotta boogie, at night
I gotta boogie, until its light
I gotta boogie, in the day
I gotta boogie, say hey
I gotta boogie, and thats not ok
I gotta boogie, today
I gotta boogie, okay
I gotta boogie, and thats not okay
I gotta boogie, and that ain't right
Quotes
- "That tears it!"
- "You tell 'em hard on."
- "Watch who you call queer."
- "You’re a butt-log with legs."
- "That's right, we'd sodomize a man."
- "Rrrryyaaahh! I'm off of hold again."
- "Shut that sewer hole under your nose."
- "I believe in putting a glock in my bitches ribs"
- "You turd in a muffler and a cheap hat!"
- "I did three years in the Korean War, sir."
- "The Monkey NEVER messes with the Veteran!"
- "I was up to my neck in Mr. Spock haircuts."
- "How would you like to shake hands with Lloyd Jr.?
- "...she in her little Ford Explorer would be incinerated beyond recognition."
- "Watch the way you talk to me alright, i'm a Korean war veteran, and you may walk home with no eyes."
- "Here goes another hitch kick...Whoo!!"
- "Mr. Hendrie, I'll have you know that one of the most enjoyable times I had was when I was in the Chusin Reservoir battle of the Korean War, and I had the opportunity to take a piece of piano wire and choke one of those little chinamen until his little yellow tongue came out of his head"
- "We were in Korea fighting the Jap ... Chin ... Chinapese."
- "You know, both of you guys can drop down, 4th ring, cook."
- "What do you think of me fighting my way off the hold button?"
- "In my day I would take a kid like you and I would molest you."
- "I will tear your eyes out and I will have sex with your skull."
- "I gotta rock, I gotta rock, good sweet Christ do I gotta rock."
- "My daddy put a gun to my head, I did it to my son and he does it to his."
- "Buddy, you put your hands on me and you'll pull back two bloody stumps."
- "Yo, dawg, I gotta rock my nizzle. That's hot, as Paris Hilton would say."
- "You know, for a woman whose parent named her after a Star Wars character..."
- "I fought in Korea so you can sit there, looking at yourself with no underwear on."
- "You know what we'd do with guys like you? We’d leave you butt up with a flower in it."
- "Sorry I wasn't breaking bread with the President, I was up to my neck in bowl haircuts."
- "Somewhere out there there's a woman running around looking like Telly Sevalis in a gay bar."
- "If you were in front of me right now I would twist your head around and drop you on the floor."
- "You don't put a Chinaman in front of a Korean War Veteran and expect him to stay calm and collected."
- "What's this Canadian doin' on the phone, okay, they haven't launched anything higher than a balloon."
- "I didn't fight in Korea just for me to come and have them kick me in the groin with a bunless hamburger."
- "I didn't call up to turn this into a smutt fest, I'm calling up to talk about good, decent, honest murder."
- "If she says 'How dare you' one more time, I'm going to get a picture of June Cleaver and touch myself to her."
- "I'm sorry that I threw a cat at a man's head, but he tossed me a bone, and a man doesn't do that to a Korean War veteran."
- "You try to tailgate me on black ice, and the only charred remains they'll find that day will have a pith helmet on top of it."
- "I don't know of anything that'll shut a woman's mouth faster than just a quick flip of the head, from the front to the back."
- "I just let this surf freak-- I just let this beach bum here know: he ever grabs a phone out of my hands and he'll come back with just a wrist. No hand, just a wrist."
- "I hope that when you die the Devil has got the gate open for you, doesn't even worry about checkin' with God on that one. I don't think the Devil should check with God. I think he should just know the gate should be open."
Lloyd: Okay, here it is.
Phil: What is it?
Lloyd: I'm going to slit my wrists with an electric can opener.
Lloyd/Mental Hospital
- "Step on a crack!"
- "Kiss my bright red rosie."
- "I wanna be the King of America!"
- "I wanna be the King of the Candy Castle!"
Lloyd: Alright, now, I wanna jump in--
Phil: Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on, wait a second, hold on--
Lloyd: I wanna jump in and say something right now.
Phil: Wait a minute, how-- I thought-- you were on hold.
Lloyd I fought my way out of hold... See, that's the kind of soldier-- I can fight my way out of a hold button.
Caller: You went from a sailor to a soldier.
Lloyd: Let me tell you something right--
Phil: What do you mean you fought your way out of hold? I had you on hold!
Lloyd: And I fought my way out.
Phil : Now, you are charging that a Furby Buddy doll reached for your zipper.
Lloyd : Yes sir, and it actually tried to unzip my fly with its teeth
Lloyd : And if she doesn't obey after my 9mm is pressed against her temples, she'll be nothing but splattered goo all over the kitchen, so... (laughs maniacally) Oh it's great, isn't it? Just to see my wife's brains pouring out of her ears. (laughs maniacally again) What's the matter? You're not laughing.
Phil : Uh....
Notable Bits
I Gotta Rock - Lloyd Bonafide is insistent that when the youth center he and his wife financially support has its teen formal dance for underprivileged youth, a song he wrote called "I Gotta Rock" be played by the band. The songs lyrics go "I Gotta Rock I Gotta Rock, I Gotta Rock All Day Till The Break Of Day, Oh Sweet Jesus Do I Got To Rock" (Aired April 19, 2005)
