PHS:Quotes

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Things Heard on the The Phil Hendrie Show

Phil Hendrie

"Where is Aruba?" 01-05-2005 (PROPHET ALERT! In June 2005 Natalie Holloway went missing on Aruba)

Aw get a piece of fat and slide off

'I'm gonna come out of this booth, I'm gonna go down to your car, and I'll kick your ass. You want that? How about if you order one ass kicking with a Coke and french fries? (Scared StraightMcDonalds Edition)

Careful Granny you might pop something

Yeah, is this some kind of joke? (To character, when caller claims the character is a just a joke)

I'm Grant Foster for public television Where a hundred people work so thirty can watch.

Do you realize that every day there's a guy gettin' fired for stuff that we do, that nobody notices because it's a funny voice doing it?

If ever there was a show invented in the history of the world that could rightfully say, when they replay a show, "This is the best," I think it's ours.

There's no other way to look at the war in Iraq than the way that I look at it, which is it's a totally correct move. There's no other way to look at it. It's the right thing to do, it's got nothing to do with being a republican or democrat, it's just the smartest thing we could've done.

Two things that'll never happen in this country; two things that will never, ever, ever, ever happen in this country: Gun control and abortion being made illegal. Don't even worry about, aint gonna happen. Abortion will be legal 'til the end of time and you'll never be able to pry the gun from the cold dead fingers of any jackass who wants to own one.

I don't know why I gotta apologize for the politics I do on my show, but I've got so many people that dig the comedy of the show, but they're so stupid when it comes to everything else, so what am I supposed to do? If you like how funny I am, you're gonna have to listen to how smart I am, too. You're just going to have to do that, because nobody can be as funny as I am without also being extremely intelligent.

Don't ever mistake this: as much as you love that man that you're living with right now; as much as you love your boyfriend; as much as you admire the men in your life... whether you understand them or not-and most women don't understand men, they'll tell you they do, they don't-always remember this, that, while we all normal, healthy men would disapprove of what Gary did, crawling into an outhouse and taking pictures out through the toilet hole...... way deep down... we get it.

Brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

And if you try anything funny, anything cute, then oh boy, I will hunt you down and find you and come to your house...and weep. Like I'm your gay lover. "Why don't you open the door, Barry?!?!"

The city of Seattle exists so we won't ever be completely happy in America.

The whole MP3 thing sucks a loaaaaaad of Chinamen.

Number 2 is Angelina Jolie...will you give it up with her too? The more I read about that woman, the less I want to...you know...yeah...see, there comes a time when a man says she's really hot but will I come away with a disease? That's my question...that's my question and I have to ask it...you know? (04/12/2006-Hour 3-While reading FHM's 100 Sexiest Women of 2006)

Guests/Characters

I'm going to be moving these to the individual character pages.

Art Bell / Gen. Jameson Conversations

Art: You are a real sack of garbage.
Gen. Jameson: Thank you, my work continues.

Art: General Jameson, again it's always been wonderful having you on, you're a freak case.
Gen. Jameson: Thanks, Art, what-what, you're normal? Jesus, well aint that the pot callin' the kettle black.

Art: General Jameson, you'll have to pardon me, but I was drinking some of the goblin juice you sent me via the mail, and, uh..
Gen. Jameson: Did it make you invisible?
Art: I'm... I'm fascinated, let me just put it that way General Jameson.

Art: This is going to be an undertaking that is unprecedented and I want to make sure that people are here for, they can look at my website, at w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-
Gen. Jameson: I think he's stuck.
Art: W-w-oh, thank you. Ramona just hit me in the face with a sap.

Gen. Jameson: They've been able to decipher images of Cupid in the 6th Dimension, as well as Bigfoot and, uh, I believe Jim Morrison's in there, now, as well so, uh, and some car keys I lost last year are there, so there's a lot of stuff there in the 6th Dimension.
Art: Your car keys?
Gen. Jameson: Yes, they're now in the 6th Dimension. They've gotta be, 'cause I can't find them anywhere... and some socks and things like that.

Art: But first this word from Peenman Enterprises. Now, friends-
Gen. Jameson: Why do you gotta take a commercial now? I'm right in the middle of my thing.
Art: I have a word from Peenman Enterprises.
Gen. Jameson: You always take commercials at the weirdest time... like at the start of your show... how 'bout gettin' into the show instead of-"and now, a commercial...?" GOOOOD...!! God I hate you!

Art: He gave you photographs of the words, "Have you got a match? Yes, my butt and your face"?
Gen. Jameson: That is correct.
Art: You don't know what that means?
Gen. Jameson: No, sir, I don't. You-are you telling me you do?
Art: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Gen. Jameson: What does it mean?
Art: Have you got a match, as in, have you got a light?
Gen. Jameson: Okay, have you got a light.
Art: Yes, I do have a match: my butt and your face.
Gen. Jameson: ......I'm sorry.
Art: General Jameson, it seems very clear to me, sir.
Gen. Jameson: Well I'm sorry, Art, I don't have your tactical ability with language, I'm a scientist; I break things down in rudimentary form, as well as the diagonal, uhh, vicissitude.

Gen. Jameson: Art, can I ask you a question?
Art: Yes, go right ahead.
Gen. Jameson: Would you turn that God-awful disco music...I-I don't even know why you play that on your show.
Art: Mmm-hmm. That's fascinating.
Gen. Jameson: Well, whaddaya-I don't know what's fascinating about that. Just turn the music down.

Gen. Jameson: How is your rocketship powered?
Art: By potatos.
Gen. Jameson: Mmm-hmm. Fascinating.

Art: Where will the Mir debris fall?
Gen. Jameson: Well, if the Earth stops spinning, then the debris will fall someplace other than where its going to fall.
Art: Ah I see.
Gen. Jameson: There ya go.

Gen. Jameson: Now, with the Mars Orbiter, obviously something happened
Art: Did what happen...happen?
Gen. Jameson: Yes it did.
Art: Fascinating. Fascinating. Fascinating. And the government won't tell us what happened?
Gen. Jameson: I've been on the phone all afternoon trying to call Tip O'Neil, President Clinton and President Nixon, and none of them have returned my calls because they know that I know what they know.

Art: UUURP Sorry, the fourth letter is...
Gen. Jameson: Oh, that was nice.
Art: Well, I'm sorry. I had a cobb salad from Cheesecake Factory earlier.
Gen. Jameson: I thought you were off the grid. I didn't think you were eating restaurant food anymore.
Art: Well, I'm off the grid in terms of gas and electricity, but I still love a Denny's Grand Slam. Whaddaya...do I look crazy? Do I look Communist?
Gen. Jameson: Not at all...

Art Bell: General Jameson, I have been looking forwardand if you look at our website you'll see General Johnson Jameson there... and what are you doing there General?
General Johnson Jameson: Well, uh, let me zip up, I was obviously going to the bathroom
Art: No, I'm sorry, no that wasohh, you're on the live cam?
Gen. Jameson: Yes I was on the live cam... *sigh*... G D it
Art: I'm very sorry General, I didn't know you were on the live cam, I wanted to know what that slide was that we were showing earlier
Gen. Jameson: That is the slide of me getting ready to enter the bi-polar particle disseminator which will send me off into the 6th dimension to contact Cupid, but instead you turned on the live cam and there I am with the sporting news and my pants around my ankles

Rudy Canoza

The only way that you can save your soul is to go to the Vatican and shag the Pope.

Andrew Chase

-Regarding the alleged gender reassignment surgery Mr. "Ruben Salazar" underwent to become the performer we know of as Jennifer Lopez, June 7, 2004, Hour 3

Andrew Chase: "But he says to Sean Combs something to the effect of [starts laughing] 'I hope you...'"
Phil (laughing, incredulous): "Yeah? Yeah?!"
Chase: "Well, what are you laughing at? I'm..."
Phil: "I wanna hear... what does he say?"
Chase: "He says something to Sean Combs like, 'I hope you like...' [starts laughing again]"
Phil (in obvious disbelief): "Uh-huh?"
[laughing in the background, interspersed with giggling from Chase and Phil jogging his notes on the desk]
Phil: "What does he say, uh... Mister uh..."
Chase (glad for the defocus to regain composure): Chase. Andrew Chase.
Phil: "Yeah. What does he say?"
Chase: "He says, 'I hope you [starts laughing almost uncontrollably] like sausage instead of clam chowder!'"
[Laughter from the production staff and Phil sniffing to try to stifle his own laughter]

R.C. Collins

You can take that Boba suit and shove it up the sphincter portion!
When God was passing out nuts, he thought I said butts
Semper Fi!
Great show as always!
When Billy the Impaler is off of restriction, you adults better watch out. We'll bring down the dark forces
Uh, let me think...NOT!
Goddamn! That's so disguszoid!
I'm psycho, and so are my bros.
I'm sittin' here backed up and blue.
He said he do. So that mean he smoke!
When it gets tough, I go to the rifle!
You can't expose me to the gayability.
Basic training just rolls off my knife!
You mess with the best, you die like the rest!
Does it come out like oxtail soup?
(To caller with deep voice) Are you Johnny Cash?
Dinner for four at the Anderson Angus Black Stuart
Which word would you die for, freedom or poontang?
I got thrown out of the Cub Scouts. I ate a brownie.
When I go to Iraq I'll be a one-man killing machine.
Tell me where it says "Bone Smoker" in the Constitution.
This girl sounds like her tubes are tying themselves together.
You're just one more son of a bitch in a long line of son of bitches!
Mother would make me lay with her when she had her special orange juice.
Freedom's important, but if I'm gonna die for a word, my word is poon-tang.
I've had my butt kicked six ways of sunset and I'm gonna call that guy 'sir'?
(To caller) Don't you think being a Weebloe will encourage a kid to bone-smoke?
Think about it Dr. Ruth knows more tricks than a monkey on 100 yards of grapevine.
I don't have to know Adolf Hitler to know that guy's gas bill was run up pretty high.
You don't know what its like to have a plastic ball in your sack. Yeah. Check that out!
Gay Boy Scouts simply means the opening of the door of opportunity to gays in the Boy Scouts.
I think a Marine that went to Iraq should be allowed to have a beer, because of what you've seen!
(on James Doohan having a baby at 80 years old) We're taking odds on whether the kid's Mongo or not!
You take a kid that has Playstation 2, a RAZR scooter, DVD players, his own computer...what a candyass.
You went to Tijuana to see the donkey show! Why don't you back me up instead of pretending you're all outraged!
Hey did your [Iraq soldier] husband say he bayoneted nobody? ... It's a pretty sure bet he almost bayonetted someone.
I'm ready to eat my guts for my country and for civilians like you, and you call me a disgrace? Boy, that tears it!
Any woman that bumps into a guy must be tryin' him on for size, and let me tell ya something, I make a very tight fit.
A face on her that'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
We're ooh-rah. We're ready to fight and die for this country. But first, we want to smoke dope and shoot heroin.
The biggest difference between sleeping with a girl and guy are the boobs they're generally larger on a girl person.
Britney Spears got those ta-tas, man, bodacious as all get out, lookin' fine, butt's real nice, and I'm not even supposed to be grippin' the pony on Main Street.
(On gays in the Boy Scouts) If they're successful in turning kids gay, there won't be no sex that makes kids and there won't be no kids left; that's something we got to look at as the future of the country.
(As Goth R.C.) When I'm playing basketball, I drive to the hoop with my cape billowing behind me; it's bitchen!

R.C.: They should change the Girl Scouts to Weebloes so I can get some...
Phil: Okay!

Caller: You don't even know any gay people.
R.C.: Well, I don't need to know Adolf Hitler to know that guy's gas bill was run up pretty high.

Phil: I have to teach you manners. The guy is talking. Why would anyone want to call you 'sir'? I don't care if you are suffering from renal kidney failure...
R.C.: And I have one nut.
Phil: And you have one nut...

R.C.: One thing I don't like about my character is that you have me only have one nut!
Harvey Wireman: Yeah, you made him a uniball!

(Taking a survey)
R.C.: Gay or straight?
Caller: In between.
R.C.: Okay, asexual. Don't get laid much?

Caller: Do you know how many females we've lost in combat?
R.C.: Two?
Caller: Please...
R.C.: The one that we lost, she got a flat tire or something and killed everybody, and the other one...she was getting her hair done or something...

(Taps plays)
Phil: Wait...What is this?
R.C.: Taps.
Phil: Why are you playing Taps?
R.C.: For the death of your show. This lady just killed it.

Caller: My mother taught me more than any Escalade, any Atari game, she done taught me the value of life...
R.C.: Did she tell you the proper use of a preposition?

R.C.: Look, I need Heather (Locklear) to do a dive bomb on me, and that's all there is to it.
Caller: She needs to dive bomb on his face.
R.C.: Ya, that's the general idea!

R.C. : Well, my mom keeps a gun by the bed.
Phil: Well, don't go in there!
R.C. : It's alright, she's been drinking tonight.

Phil : Make-A-Wish took her to Disneyland because she was terminally ill. Is she dead?
Caller : No, she survived the cancer.
R.C. : Oh, what a jip! What a jip!! She didn't even croak??!!

R.C. : He was talking about how Kenny Loggins stuck his tongue into his girlfriend.
Phil : WHAT??!!!!

Phil : I don't mean to question your beliefs. All I'm saying...
R.C. : Penis wrinkle!

Phil : Can't you just believe that your life will go on?
R.C. : Well, it can go on and then it can go on in a bitchin' form

Phil : Your sect, The Mystery of the Blood Chalice, is a sect that drinks not other people's blood, but...
R.C. : No, that'd be gross. God! You kidding me?!
Phil : Well, what are you doing man?
R.C. : I'm not drinking anybody else's blood. That's gross to the extreme!

R.C. : She looks like she's psycho. She looks like a psycho bitch. She looks like she's a psycho... Phil : Got it! Got it! Move on! (Sopranos Report)

Phil : How old is the lawgiver?
R.C. : The lawgiver knows no age.
Phil : How old is the lawgiver?
R.C. : Just turned 12.

R.C. : When they show the string section of an orchestra, there's generally a handful of them (bowl haircuts)
Phil : When they show a string section of an orchestra...
R.C. : Come come Mr Hendrie. Don't play dumb.

Doug Dannger

I'm gay.
You know I'm gay?
I could be a gay James Bond.
I'm a gay man and a gay journalist.
I frolicked out of the closet and found my Gay Eye.
(Sir, would you put your cigarette out?) I'm gay. Now do you want me to put it out?
You might like to sit down to a full diaper with chopsticks...
Liking Destiny's Child is worse that picking corn out of a baby's diaper.
They wanna enable Marc Cherry and the coven of gays that infest the offices of ABC.
If I get my name on a Desperate Housewives show, it says, "Doug Dannger, comma, gay."
She needs to put down the corned beek sandwich and get serious about her image. She's black, she's fat and she's nuts. Thats a bad combination.
I wanna get right up into an insurgents nest and watch as the bullets seer through their faces... through the back of their heads and through another guys face.
You know what? I'll kick her ass around the block for drill and her husband, too, then I'll knock down the back door, kick her doberman pinscher in the teeth, and have her cook me an omelette.
If you don't want to see people flopping around like fish in the aisles and out on the sticky floors of these movie theaters, then I would suggest that people start doing what we tell them to do as film critics.

Caller: I weigh 265 pounds and I'll bust you right in the damn mouth.
Doug: So you're 265 pounds of donut oil, good for you.

Phil: If Mr. Cherry is indeed "gay," and this is not public knowledge, then I become a party to the slander, an--
Doug: Whoa-whoa-whoa, hol-WHOA, hol-you're talkin' to a journalist-a gay ma-a gay journalist, alright? I know the slander laws inside-and-out; slander has to be untrue... and, I'll tell you right now: If Marc Cherry isn't gay, then I will-I'll kiss a peterbilt truck, standin' still while it's comin' at me at 45. Forty-five to 50 miles an hour. I will stand in the middle of Wilshire with my lips out, just, "MEEHH," as the thing hits me full on. I'll tell ya right now... he is gay, he's not as gay as I am, and I'll tell ya why--
Phil: What do you mean, "He's not as gay as you are?"
Doug: He's not as gay as I am 'cause I'm out, he's not. I'm more fully gay.

Bud Dickman

You fire me. Me horrible feel.
We ain't like no show on the KY-Jelly!
I could have been an intern for Paul Moyer!
Peeing on laundry is better than cooking a steak.
Oh, no, not the face, Phil. I have a photo shoot for Campbell's Soup this afternoon!
Do you think there's a sign where the chickens live that says, "Don't choke the chicken" ?
"You know, they should make a wax statue of you and put you next to Carrol Channing at the Wax Museum" -Bud Dickman (Talking to Phil, Dec 15, 2004 Hour 3)

(Phil explaining to Bud why Mark's wife was sore after having a baby...)
Phil: How would she be sore if a stork brought it?
Bud: Maybe she had to wrestle the stork for it, I don't know.

Phil: ...which will fecal... feachel...
Bud: God, talk much? You said a bad word.
Phil: I didn't say a bad word! Now what is that? You gonna call up...? Yeah.
Music begins to play
Phil: What is that!?
Bud: That's his theme music.
Phil: That's the freakin' Olympic theme, you turd! God, you're gonna get me fired!

Bud : Phil, they have found Chandra Levy.
Phil : They have, where?
Bud : In my pants
Phil : Come here! (Smack)

Phil: You know what, I oughta kick your rear end around the block for drill for what you did to me. You almost strangled me to death!
Bud: That's right, you wanna piece of me?
Phil: What?
Bud: You wanna piece of me again?
Phil: Come at me.
Phil and Bud begin fighting for about 14 seconds
Phil: Come here, Bud.
Bud: What?
Smack!
Bud: Arghh!
Phil: Punk!

Phil: So, why do you think truckers are always over there on the right-hand lane? Bud, any guesses?
Bud: Um...to see the billboards better so they know what to buy?

Phil: I'm going through a situation right now, Bud, with my mother. She is elderly, and she needs to go into assisted living, what they call senior care.
Bud: Like a nuthouse?

Phil: After the show, when I get to my office, I wanna see fifty dollars sitting on my desk. And I don't mean your cousin either. The last time I said you owed me fifty bucks, you had your fat cousin sitting on my desk. That ain't what I call fifty bucks!
Bud: No, she'll do it for free!

Bud : Hello?
Phil : Bud?
Bud : Ya, oh sorry. Who's this?
Phil : Phil!
Bud : Phil...?

Bud : There's Airedale terrorists and American Hairless terrorists, there's Austrailian terrorists and...
Phil : What do you mean an American Hairless terrorist? That says terrier you idiot!
Bud : Holy Jesus!
Phil : Yeah! Do you know how to spell terrorist?
Bud : T-E-R-R-I-E-R?
Phil : No, that spells terrier. What you have here Dickman is a list of terriers, not terrorists!
Bud : There ain't no Jack Russell terrorists?

Bud : You don't have to call David. I speak Engish.
Phil : You speak Engish? What is that? Something the Laplanders speak?

Bobbie Dooley

Mmmm-hmmm.... (repeatedly and loudly said while a caller speaks, much to their chagrin)
I AM AN AMERICAN! I AM SUFFERING FROM HEAVY CRAMPING AND FLOW. I'M AN AMERICAN AND I'M HAVING A HEAVY FLOW. DO YOU HAVE MIDOL? DO YOU HAVE ANACIN?
Are you for real?
Sweet Christ on a sled!
Sweet Christ in a carseat!
Phil, this is character assasination.
But Casper, oh god, is he affectionate! (talking about her dog)
You can go straight to the living hell.
Phil, children are getting chopped uuuuup.
Do your daughters wax? Do they Playboy wax?
If you were here, you wouldn't have any eyes left.
(to her friend) See, you can look thin even though you're not.
(arguing with a caller) No, you're a liar. Liar. I hate you so deeply.
I'm very hip, I'm very "now". I get itI'm "with it", the kids think I'm cool.
(referring to her friend's hairy children) Phil, it looked like Playground of the Apes.
Honey, try wearing a thong. Then you don't have to worry about all those panty lines.
My father worked in the circus. He was a circus clown. And my mother was a prostitute.
Oh, you're sitting there staring at your cheaply manicured nails in your Ford Taurus...
How are you going to feel when your daughter's hair is being used to stuff some pervert's pillow?
You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your bad shoes? You look like a ruuube.
I told her to sit down and shut her mouth. Phil, she's my best friend and I feel I can be direct with her.
Its almost like walking up to Adolf Hitler if you're Jewish and saying, "nice moustache." You're just asking for it.
(About making love with her husband) We sang Onward Christian Soldier, Phil, he took me like a virgin at the prison rodeo.
(to a caller) If you were here right now I'd have to drop you. I dropped that woman at the Homeowner's Association meeting and I'll do the same to you. What's your address?
Phil, I was standing there in a bannana-yellow pantsuit, watching this child dancing around me, laughing like a fool, and I was thinking, are you for real? I felt like I was in a Bergman film about idiot children.
Phil, her husband is a bit of a loser. (drops her voice) Can I tell you something? Her husband is black. They have a child together, this child has black skin and flaming red hair, like Bozo the Clown. He scares people, he frightens the other children.
Some women are married to losers. I guess I just got lucky when I met Steve, I just got lucky. I see some of these women with their husbands in the grocery store and I have to laugh. I mean, imagine choosing him over living in a 150-home gated community. I just have to laugh.
A long time ago, before I really pulled my life together, I was a prostitue; I got involved in a lot of dangerous things. One of them was a nightly Russian Roulette game, and we thought it was fun, we were coked out of our minds, we drank a lot, I was the champ-for a solid year I played Russian Roulette. Did you ever see Deer Hunter with Christopher Walken? That's what I looked like.
I walked in the back door and saw Amanda, my daughter, with a piece of chocholate cake and shoving it from the palm of her hand into her mouth, and...and I had been outside raking leaves, and i hit her with the rake and knocked it out of her hand and said "How Dare You?" Thats how much I love her. Thats really how much I love her.

Are you for real? Well honey I'm as real, as real can get.

If you're on a luxury cruise ship, and a gentleman passenger commits suicide and jumps off the ship he didn't fall off, he didn't slip, he didn't trip, it wasn't an accident he purposely jumped off the side of the cruise ship with the sole intention of ending his life by suicide, do you bring the ship to a dead stop, reverse the screws as they like to say back up that ship and search for that man, even if it means inconveniencing passengers who had their hearts set on the Dutch Antillies?

Steve: I've got the Western Estates police chief in my back packet. I give him a discount on lawn care.
Bobbie: That's right, what do you think you're going to do?
Caller: I'm going to do something about it, I'll tell you...
Bobbie: You think you're so smart in your Ann Taylor real estate uniform and your bad pumps, you know nothing...oh she hangs up. What a slut.

Bobbie: You're standing on the tracks waiting for the Super Chief to hit you if you stare at a celebrity.
Caller: Uh, heh-heh, the Super Chief hasn't run in years, so...
Bobbie: Oh? Were you a porter? Were you the one walking around with a bowl of Cream of Wheat?

Bobbie : Phil, I don't understand. My children don't understand. She didn't make the brownies! (crying)
Steve : Phil, can I just jump in? She said she made the brownies.
Phil : Right.
Steve : She didn't. She bought them at Vons.
Phil : Yeah, Bobbie told us that.
Steve : Alright, did she tell you that?
Phil : Yes she did.
Steve : Alright (gives phone back to Bobbie)
Bobbie: She said she made...
Phil : I got it. She didn't make them, they were bought at Vons

Bobbie : I went into the garage, and I began sawing the barrels of the gun off.
Phil : You're sawing off the barrels of the shotgun?
Bobbie Yes
Phil : What's wrong with just the shotgun?
Bobbie : No, you have to saw the barrels off...

You can rot with the horned one.

Jeff Dowder

Oh, you gonna tell me you can't clone off Jesus now?
Chinamen are really good at ping pong because of their horizontal sight, they see the whole net.
I did a little promo work for a show called Africa Nowwwwwww...that's how they have me say it.
Phil, I've been listening to you badgering me for the past two years and I just have to ask you, do you want me to buy my own Vasaline and spread it, too?
(about Chinese eyes) I'm talking about the fact they have slits for eyes, man, all they see is net... their vertical vision is about an inch, but their horizontal vision-it goes on and on and on, and on and on, and there's science to prove on it, too. For instance, you and me, we look at the world basically television shape, okay, the Chinese look at it: letterbox!
What?
That's bitchin.

Vernon Dozier

I ain't yellow.
Get in there and make me some bean dip!
If you were in my class I'd put you in the corner for sounding like Porky Ding-dang Pig.
Mr. Hendrie, you call me an idiot one more time and you better smile when you say that.
Even if you're a blind guy who wants to be clean, you're gonna miss the toilet someday, ya know?
All you need to know about America is we invented the A-Bomb, and let me tell you what, if I had a...ooooh...
All a bird does is sit in that cage and stares at itself in the mirror all day, now that's pretty egotisical.
(To caller with Southern accent) Let me ask you something, how are things up there in Cold Mountain?
I wonder how much of an animal lover you'd be if you had a parrot sitting at your house calling you a bulldyke.
Go straight to the Third Ring, fouth pit over, we'll go ahead and get a big igniter for ya as soon as we free up one of the demons.
We have found that religion only turns people dumb. For instance, in Mexico, there's a whole lotta Catholics and there's a whole lotta dumb.
Why am I sitting here about to get eight million volts through my body? Why am I that black guy on The Green Mile with no water in the sponge?
(performing his dancing moves) Now, you move very delicately, do a little bit of a flutter kick, now, what that is I lift up my right leg and kind of flutter it at the judges, then I do a little spin, I lay out and show the blouse, press my lips, squint my eyes, spin and turn. Now, I do what's called "Working the Pants."

Vernon: I don't think your mother knew how to read, okay?
Caller: No, yours may not knew how to read, but that's your problem.
Vernon: (incredulous) Not knew how to read??
Caller: Your mother couldn't read and you had to go to school and be taught how to read.
Vernon: Do you sign your name, or do you "make your mark?"
Caller: Now, if you're wantin' to cry and crybaby
Vernon: Hey, when you sign a document, there on that bill-a ladin' , I bet you put a big X.
Caller: -Now, when you're cryin' out here you get off your, like I said, you get off your lazy can, you study yer another career, and you get busy with it.
Vernon: This guy's tryin' to chap my hide.

Caller: I-ya know... I put 32 years in the Military.
Vernon: ...In a mental institution?
Caller: No, military!
Vernon: Well, I don't understand.
Caller: You don't know what the military is?
Vernon: I don't understand how they let a guy like you in.

Caller: A bird has a heart.
Vernon: Now, when you're saying it has a heart, are you speaking of how like Ray Charles had a heart, how he sang...?

Phil: You threw a parrot into a garbage truck and put the phone up to it as the metal smashed. You're sick and twisted.
Vernon: And my ex-wife heard it, and you know what she said? "That doesn't bother me, ha-ha-ha."
Phil: Well, you both are sick, twisted freaks then!
Pause
Vernon: Can I get one of those Bobbie Dooley T-shirts for my wife, beca...

Caller: Where did you get your education? I want to know so I can tell my friends never to attend a university like that, so...
Vernon: Okay. Let your friends know never to go to this university...Harvard.

Vernon Dozier's rendition of Johnny Cash's hit 'When a Mexican Runs a Man Down, Who Pays?'
When a Mexican runs a man down, who pays?
Oh, when the Mexican run a man down, who-oo pays?
Late last night, saw a Mexican run.
I feel good.
How 'bout you?

Raj Fahneen

Please shut your mouth.
Do you super-size?
Koreans are the ones that have a hard-on for everyone.
Everytime I turn around there's an American waddling into a Rallys.
The Asian people feed the Blacks pork food so they can beat them in war.
I know the essential rule of the Constitution of Egypt, which is: Keep your mouth shut, do your job and just keep your mouth shut.

Singing his song about America:
Saw an American, four Big Macs,
stuck 'em in his face and that's a fact.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh.
Well, I got a burrito at Taco Bell,
I'll eat it 'til I pop, come Heaven or Hell.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh
Well, I am an American, I super-size,
yes, I'll have another 10-pound box of fries.
oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh
All Americans are big fat hogs,
they eat a Big Mac and shoot out a log.
Oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh, oh yeeeeeah, uh-huuuuuuh

Raj: The Americans, they do not know about their own Constitution. Most of them could not tell you what the Bill of Rights is. But ask the American piggy where the McDonald's is and he can tell you. Ask him what the #2 is at McDonald's and he can tell you.
Phil: Isn't it the cheeseburger?
Raj: See, there you go.

Craig Hardy

"They pre-fab faces in France" Jan 31, 2005 (PROPHET ALERT! During the summer of 2005 doctors in France actually transplanted part of a woman's face onto another woman, after the recipent had her face damaged by a dog attack.)

Margaret Gray

I beg your pardon?
The rights of women are being trampled by George Bush.
If Fat Joe were dead, he couldn't attract a female fly.
Eat your One-a-Day and drink your Metamucil and hush up.
Every single person that mentions this person "Hitler" hangs up on me!
Phil, screw you and your Nazi friends; we're now going to sing a folk song.
I'm talking of giving him myself in a very animal way, and its not for money.
(Talking about Steven Spielberg getting back at Phil for slamming his later films) Fact Vic Morrow arrived on the set with his head. Fact he left that night without it. Is that what you want, Phil?

Margaret: I don't know what you're talking about.
Phil: You're an idiot!
Frank: Phil, that was great. I've been wantin' to say that.

Margaret: I'll bet your husband has no money at all, and you're just jealous.
Caller: Who cares about money, honey? There are other things in life besides money and it sure ain't you or looks I'll bet you a gallon of ma's buttermilk you could stop a freight train.
Margaret: I*gasp* I BEG YOUR PARDON!
Caller: I don't appreciate people like you acting the way you act.
Margaret: I bet you have green nail polish with little dragons on the tips.
Caller: Honey, I got more class in my pinky than you have in your whole body.
Margaret: Where do you live?
Caller: I live in a better place and got a bigger heart than you'll ever have.
Margaret: Do you rent or do you own?
Caller: Where do YOU live?
Margaret: I live in Bal Harbor.
Caller: Bal Harbor...oh Bal Harbor! Oh, darling!

Caller: Go to the library and ask a book about Mr. Hitler.
Margaret: Ask a book? I-I go up to the book and say, "Hello, Mr. Book, tell me about this person."

Caller: Do you belong to the KK?
Margaret: The KK? I belong to the AA...

Bob Green

Tell the Jew we're out of brisket.
You think I'm kind of a funny little man, don't you?
Phil, the racism of George Lucas is very well documented. He went to school with the blacks and one of them tried to sell him a bag of oregano instead of pot. So he made Jar Jar Binks.

Green: I eat a hot breakfast and dinner and a cold lunch. That's the way Americans do it.
Caller: Who's American? I'm an Americanmy family's been in this country 187 years
Green: Well that's not as long as my family.
Caller: -and we eat real food.
Green: Real food?
Caller: Real food, something good for you, not a damn piece of meat and two little pieces of bread. We all ain't ate balogna sandwiches. We ain't ate em.
Green: (incredulous) We ain't ate em?

Green: (after being called an 'asshole') In other words, if you were there, and I was there with you, I'd slug you right in the mouth.
Caller: Well, I did three tours in Vietnam and I'd be able to buy you a bus ticket.
Green: Three tours with Barnum & Bailey, I didn't hear that...

Art Griego

If a plane's gonna crash, I want to be there to take a picture of it.
I'm a pilot, Phil, and you can take this to the bank: you can't fly the Concorde when the wing's on fire.
When that guy took a crap on the airplane drink cart, that was performance art.

Art: Even though I know I'm gonna die in seconds, I forgive you. I forgive you--
Caller laughs
Art: Boy, now I don't forgive you. I hope you cook.
Caller: You wouldn't say that to your mother.
Art: I just did. I called her on the cell phone and said, "I hope you burn in hell, too."

Caller: This is Cool Hand Luke from San Diego. What you have on the air now is an imposter. You're talking to an ex-Air Force and-AND a private pilot with a Dakota.
Art: Bullcrap.
Caller: This schmuck, he doesn't know a rudder from an elevator, you alcoholic bastard.
Art: Hey...I-I fly out of Barstow...
Caller: You don't fly a damn thing and you're so damn stupid you should have your license revoked before you kill somebody you alcholic f...bastard.
Art: Wha-what do you fly?
Caller: I fly a Dakota. Don't you hear anything you dumb alcoholic?
Art: A what?
Caller: A DAKOTA!!!
Art: That's a crap airplane.
Caller: Because its a crap person like you don't know how to fly. This guy is an impersonator, a fraud...
Art: A Dakota is a...this-this guy doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a Dakota.
Caller: You are so ignorant and you're gonna be flushed down the toilet. And you don't even know the thing between 8 hours and bottle to throttle, you bastard.
Art: What's your BFR?
Caller: *pause* Hey! You...you show me yours, you dumb...you dumb turd. And I'll tell you one thing, you must be flying for China. G'bye, you turkey.
Art: Yeah, Dakotas suck. You...you suck. I'm gonna puke.

Art: Oh, the Concorde crash was a tragedy and my heart goes out to the uh...you know, whatever you want to call it...the uh... Phil: The people on it... Art: Yeah, yeah the passengers and whatever else was on it.

Larry Grover

She had the audacity to order corn on the cob on the first date... so this woman is now out of my life.
Ma'am, you're a female...what would you know about prostitution? (12-12-2005)

Phil: Bud, put this man on hold so I can talk to the caller.
Bud: Okay.
Phil: (to caller) Okay, ma'am, I'm sorry. You were saying?
Caller: I
Grover: ARRRGH!!
Phil: Bud I thought I told you to put him on hold?
Bud: He fought his way off.
Caller: He fought his way off?
Grover: I fought my way off hold.

David G. Hall

That is compelling radio!
If you are serious that you have breasts that weigh ten pounds a piece then I'd like to get together with you.
GEEEEEEEEEEEZ!
Did you hit the retard?
Where's my music Bud? Okay, ya, oh thank god. I hear the flutes
This is Darth Hall, I'm out.
The FCC is dusting off the hot seat for me!
Will you get this old Jew off the phone, quick, and let's go to another call?
(to a caller) I'm the Vice President of Syndication. Which means I'm God and you're an ant.
Bud, I'm giving you the the big shot here, because Hendrie blew it with all those phoney-baloney voices.
I'm the guy that introduced innovation into radio. I'm the guy that brought you Laura, brought you Rush, brought you Glenn Beck, brought you-all these guys, whoever the hell-Jim Beck, Glenn Rome-I forget. All of these guys add up to one thing, and that one thing is David G. Hall, who has innovated this business to the point where people don't even recognize it anymore.
Domain names? Holy Christ! And you were going to talk about that ON THE AIR?

Phil: What are you drinking?!
David: Gentleman Jack and a Water Back.
Phil: Gentleman Jack and a Water Back, and let's call up Hendrie and say, "I've got anthrax" as a topper on your Wednesday night.
David: What a baby.

Caller: I was Zsa-Zsa Gabor's private secretary.
David: George Gabor?
Caller: ZSA ZSA GABOR, you stupid bastard!
David: Did you ever see her nude?
Caller: That's none of your damn business.
David: If you've seen Zsa Zsa Gabor nude you owe it to this audience to tell us about it.

Caller: I've been all over the world with my late husband. We've been everywhere.
David: You dragged a dead body all over the world? Sheesh!
Phil: When he was still alive.
David: Oh.
Caller: You're a stupid bastard, you know that? Phil, I have to know, is this part of the act? Because I really can't stand to listen to him any more. Is this part of the act?

Phil: Get David on the line, will ya?
Bud: Yeah, right away.
The Imperial March begins to play
Phil: Uh, David G. Hall...
Justin MacElroy: What's that?
Phil: That's music that he insists introduce him.
David: Yeah whaddaya want? This is Darth Hall.

David : How did Bud get in the phone with me? Bud get back in the studio where you belong!
Bud : But I like it here!
David : Get out of here!

Paul 'Tubby' Lane

Phil: So the fan and driver, having dinner, dancing, laying on a coach, taking a nap together...
Paul: Yes. And you think that's gay?
(Phil laughs aloud)
Phil: No...No, Paul I don't.

Paul: We don't want any women around asking us, 'Why is your car painted like that?' Jesus H.

Hal Levolier

You whore! We're 800 miles off of course!
What? My landing gear's still down and my tires are crooked? Ah, screw it, I'm bringing it in anyway.

Hal: Fly the plane, will ya, please? Viola, please, in the name of everything holy, in the name of the Jesus that hung from the cross for us, would ya just fly the plane?
Viola: Okay, but which is the one that makes it go up?
Hal: We're already up!

Phil: Uh, Hal, go ahead.
Hal: Yeah, Phil, this is Hal Levolier. How are you, sir?
Phil: I'm very good, how are you, Hal?
Hal's airplane begins to stall
Hal: Oh, forget it, we're dead.

Justin McElroy

Why can't I do the simulation at my house? I can be at level six, and it keeps me away from my mom, who is very stupid.

Father James McQuarters

And I will do anything, even give up the predilection that I had for a long time for boys. In fact Phil, there's only 2 things that can actually change the light, Irish lilt in my voice: killing the music, which turns me in to a black man, or seeing a very svelte beautiful young lady walk by the window like right now... (voice drops and accent vanishes) Will you look at THAT!?

Chris Norton

It all comes down to sess, and how you can use your sessuality.
I've had MORE sess with MORE women than Mr. Hendrie will EVER have.
Do you have a problem with the term Hose Monster?

Chris: (doing commentary on the space station docking) Oh yeah, yeah, it's slidin' in now. Yeeeaaaah, I like that. I can see the space shuttle, and the whole... sessuality of it. Yeah... now it's startin' to dock. Hey baby, look out, but I'm about to dock the shuttle. Wooooooooooooo YEAH! Oh yeah, hey mission control, Houston? We got docking. Woo! Now, time for me to slide from one module to the other. Yeah! That's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get in now, check out all the controls. Back it up now... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, that's it baby, back it up, cause we're docked. You know we're docked, don't ya? We got full docking. So back it up honey, yeah. Oh yeah! What's that baby? Sure I'll take the ashtray off your back. Now...
Phil: Get him outta here!

Pastor William Rennick

Oh yeah! Rick James is giving me the spirit to give it to my wife.
I don't like being used that way! The only one that use me is jesus! I'd be Jesus' jail bitch if you wanted me to!
(Explaining why he doesn't personally deliver food to the needy) You don't go down there; you gonna die if you go down there. You might think you doing a good thing but you'll be dead of a gunshot wound before you even get the frozen dinner out of your car.
If you hijack an airplane and fly it into a building, you Islam! If you bow your head to the carpet five times a day with your ass up in the air, like Paul Anchor or Shepard Smith, you Islam! If you read the Koran, not the Bible, the Koran-I want you to write that down, 'cause a lotta brothas-and you'll find a lot of the brothas out there are quotin' the Koran, now, 'cause like my cousin M.L.-they're Muslim. It aint no Bible, I don't know what in the hell it is, but it's called a Koran. If you towel wrap, turban wind, wear a rag, table cloth or comforter or a napkin on your head, you're Islam! If you are a woman and you wear a bag or a bed sheet over your head, you Islam. If you don't smoke, drink, have sex, smile, grin or laugh, you Islam! If you don't eat pork, barbeque, bacon, ribs or Canadian ham, you Islam!
I don't want to see another fetus fed to the fire.

Dr. Jim Sadler

No, the fact that -youdon't wanna wear a thong is because you're still afraid of 9/11!
I can do the max on a hip abductor machine. Listen to this: (yelling) URRRRRRGHYAAAAAAAAAAA YOU WHORE!
Tell me you've never thought about killing your own kid. For instance, taking him out hunting in the woods and only one of you comes back, namely you.

Jim: So, the idea that Mr. Geldoff doesn't have blacks-here's the reason: white people... black people... w-w-white people... okay, here it is: white-black-white people-black-see-see black... see white-
Phil: Will you come on!?

Jay Santos

It's about saving lives.
Giving blowjobs saves lives
Spank Bank's open 24 hours.
The guy was pitching a tent, okay, man?
I'm so gooooooood I could be on Scotland Yard.
A full-cavity search is non-invasive; we practice on ourselves.
If he takes a shot at me, I'll be on him like a monkey on a football.
Ma'am, I'm a member of the Citizen's Auxiliary Police, we save lives.
The Black boy will squeeze the life out of you like a Bakersfield chimp.
Now I'm a fag and I'm gonna have my skull sexed. Anything else gentlemen?
(In response to the idea of a citizen not cooperating) Well, in that case, we've got a situation.
Three black kids will kill you slowly, at least an Ay-rab has the decency to take ya out quickly.
We just want to take a peek over the shoulder of the police, that's all, just a little peek, kind of a peek-a-boo.
Well, would you rather open and close doors or be lashed to a barn door and be assaulted by...by three guys coming up on ATVs?
(On conducting safety random home invasions) You witness a man assault you, take off his pants, fold 'em up, put 'em on the bed... and then he stops; when you get to the level of underwear then they stop, they assess the situation, he will question the woman, "you're aware now that I am here in my underwear", and she will say "yes I am", then fine, he'll probably put his hat on first, get dressed...
Just wait until you go to a nice bar, sit down to have a drink and look up to see someone singing in a tuxedo and it's a CHICK.

Jay: At 25 feet away from you, can I see your cleavage?
Caller: No.
Jay: Well that's kind of pathetic, isn't it?

Jay: We take an oath.
Phil: What's the oath?
Jay: I don't remember it. We take the oath and seal it with a shot of whiskey.

Frodo the Puppet

My name is Rick Sunderland, you bastard!

Herb Sewell

My mother used to greet the day with a cigarette and lipstick on her teeth."
My mother used to come to me with her house coat open and drinking a cup of cheap table wine."
You never talk about your mother. Never talk about mother.
I have at least my own filing cabinet at the National Institute of Health, psychology division.
The last thing I heard when I walked out those gates was Walter Bellhaven's howling laughter.
I'll wake up in the morning and think, "Maybe I'll go out and catch me a twelve year old today."
(in reference to Walter Bellhaven) The last thing I heard was him laughing, almost like a hyena.
(advertising for a dairy company) Tell them that Herb Sewell, convicted child-molester sent you.
Phil, you're beginning to disturb me, and when I get disturbed I start thinking about 12 year-old boys.
(about his mother-in-law) Ah, now you're referring to the Creature. See, you don't know the Creature. I do.
I beat an old woman almost to death with a lamp. She was one of these hand-wringing grandmother types.
In my case, I would have dispatched her (Paris Hilton) relatively quickly, but, of course, I would want to teach her a lesson.
(to a caller discussing the Michael Jackson trial) I have to say I'm a bit surprised. You're obviously African-American, aren't you a fan?
I hear some people say "Some of my friends are black," "Some of my friends are Jewish," Well, some of my friends are serial murderers.
(about Walter Bellhaven) He was a walking monster of-he was a miracle of modern monstrosity. What he did to an entire orphanage of children shouldn't even be repeated.
(asked about his lunatic laugh) It is a nervous laugh, yes, but it's also a laughI have to laugh when I imagine the walking monstrosity that I was. And now I'm a free man. (laughs hysterically)
(about his wife, who died when Herb shoved her from a moving car) When she was getting shoved from that car, she was still talking. I can still see her falling backwards on to the freeway and her mouth still moving on about some house she saw in, uh, La Cañada.
Walter would see that commercial... probably having breakfast, let's say. He'd very, very delicately pad his mouth dry with his napkin, turn his television set off, get in his car, probably go to some area like a suburban mall and within two to three hours, three women would be hanging upside-down, gutted and their blood drained.
Phil, you know how it is. If I registered as a sex offender the next thing I know it'll be like Frankenstein. I'll look out the window and the whole neighborhood will be there with their torches and I just can't have that, not now. Sorry I'm denying you the opportunity to throw a rock through someone's window but I'm going to have to decline your offer of registering.
My mother would torture me for at least eight hours a day for a solid year once, using a variety of ice-water enimas, burning me with matches, burning me with cigarettes, even at one point hanging me up-side down for about six hours, burying me, using me as a float when we were in a ship wreck-she actually used me as a life preserver, she just wrapped me around herself and didn't care whether I breathed or not, tried to use me one time to stop up a leaky gas valve in our kitchen, just said, "Put your lips over that thing."

Herb: I have the right to walk my daughter down the aisle.
Phil: Even though you shoved her mother out of a moving vehicle?
Herb: Yes.

Bud: (Couldn't make out first part of speech), Mr. Sewer.
Herb: The name is Sewell, young man, Sewell, not Sewer. Is that the retard that you employed?
Phil: That-that's Bud, yes.
Bud: What'd he call me?
Phil: Nothing.
Herb: I don't like talking to it. I just want to talk to you, I don't want to talk to it.
Phil: Alright, Bud, go-outta here.
Bud: Thanks, Mr. Sewer!
Herb: Oh! You know, I-I-Walter Bellhaven has asked me-he'd like to kill again, but he doesn't know if there's anything left worth killing and if I could get that kid's address...

Colonel Gaylan Shaw

Gaylan: Here come my grandkids, they've got some ice cream. Whaddya got for grandpa?
Grandson: Shove it.

Gaylan: YYYAAAAAHH!!
Phil: Who's that?!
Gaylan: It's me, Mr. Hendrie. I fought my way off of hold.

Gaylan: You’re telling me there won’t be a Mardi Gras, even though I packed the car with egg salad sandwiches well in advance?

Phil: Its a good thing you're out of the Army because I have one phrase that comes to mind Agent Orange.
Gaylan: That's dirty pool.

Dean Wheeler

I'm gonna go discover my inner nun.
I don't hate America, I love this country so long as it provides me with an ability to practice Blithia.
I only care about the child who's on that one single crutch, trying to hobble out of the way of an American smart bomb whose destructive radius is several miles. There's no way. The child could have hobbled for a half-hour and still would be incinerated.

Harvey Wireman

Alright cadet, you will kiss the gunner's daughter, Take him below for the makings.
Don't say it or I will drop you and I don't care if I go to prison.
Oh, the Name of the Sweet Christ Hammered Up, why do you have to play that?
I say to any senior citizen listening to me, carry a 9mm, the minute somebody looks at you cross-eyed, take off the top of his head with it.
(Talking about the all male Augusta golf club) You have stag films, men in rubber shorts and the guy who answers the door may not be able to open it because his arm is covered in Vaseline.

Phil voicing celebrities

Comb-Over Boy (Tom Leykis)

My mother won't have sex with me.
Is there anything worse than a woman with a kid?
Why can't I beat a woman bloody and be able to walk away from it with a clear conscience without coming down with a case of the drip the following morning?

Comb-Over: That's what I'm talking about, Mr. Hall, the guy's not a team player. Callin' me Comb-Over Boy and then making references to the fact that I go to Thailand for sex with boys!
Phil: ...Well do you?
Comb-Over: ..What if I do?

Bill Maher

Phil: Bill, I heard you say this on your show the other day, on HBO, that, "If you go after Iraq, but you don't go after north Korea, you're a hypocrite." Did you get dumber when you went to HBO?
Bill: I probably did, Phil, uh... from the standpoint that I'm getting a little more panicky. I'm trying to backpeddle and cover my position on Iraq, uhh-
Phil: Do you honestly believe we shouldn't be at war with Iraq?
Bill: No, I don't.
Phil: Then-you don't, why?
Bill: .....uh... w--why do I not-
Phil: I mean why, then why do you say what you say?
Bill: Well I say what I say-my anti-Bush stance?
Phil: Yeah.
Bill: Because I'm angry and embarassed over the stupid things I said after 9/11. I mean, I really said some stupid, stupid stuff after 9/11 that basically got the America-my audience against me, and I felt sort of rather than straighten it out a little bit I felt like I had to, ya know, just make it worse, ya know, just keep digging the hole deeper, and now I say dumb things on a regular basis.

Phil: Try not to say stupid, uninformed and very unsophisticated things. We're not on the playground, okay?
Bill: Yes, sir.
Phil: Alright, good-bye.
Bill: Bye, Phil.
Phil: Bill Maher, a real idiot.

Demi Moore

The last two years my ass is falling.

Demi: So that's it, Phil. I'm bored with you now and I'd like to hang up.
Demi's teeth begin to get drilled by the dentist...
Demi: GOOOOD, DAMN...!! Uhh--
Phil: Why is that painful!?
Demi: I don't-why is it painful?
Phil: Yeah.
Demi: Oh, I don't use anasthetic.
Phil: Why not?!
Demi: Because it keeps my breasts firm and high. What the hell is with you? Why not, I never use anasthetic when I get my teeth drilled because it keeps me young, firm and uhhhh--
Phil: Still 41.
Demi: Right.
Drilling begins again
Demi: Man, that's good!!
Phil: Well listen, Demi, thanks a lot, the best of luck in your life and times and your career with Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, appearing in theatres right now, huh?
Demi: I-I wouldn't know.

Michael Moore

Hold on, Phil, I found some gummy bears in my chin fold.
I hold on to it [cream cheese] the way a cow does its cud.

Scott Peterson

Scott: You don't like me very much, do you?
Phil: No I do not.
Scott: Well that doesn't hurt me.
Phil: You're a murdering animal.
Scott: Nope, that doesn't hurt, either.
Phil: You outta be shot. You outta be dragged behind a truck.
Scott: Nah, doesn't hurt.
Phil: I'd like to kick your ass, personally kick your ass.
Scott: Meh, that doesn't hurt, either.
Phil: I hope your freakin' golf game goes to the tank, I hope you have the yips all day, I hope you don't sink one freakin' putt.
Scott: That hurts.

Martha Stewart

Don't make me come through the phone and kick your A.
I'm gonna come out, I'll take Katie Couric and that other bitch, uhh... I forget who she was-I'll rape her. I'll tell ya right now, I will. I'll commit the act of rape on her.
I'm gonna rape Katie Couric, I'm gonna rape Oprah Winfrey, I'm gonna rape Greta Van Susteren, I'm gonna rape the Federal Prosecutor, come through the phone, kick your ass.
I will find Katie Couric and I will commit the act of rape on her. And then when I'm done with her, I'll get on that news women they got on the air and, who the other one? Oh yeah, Greta Van Susteren, I will rape her.
Martha, telling Phil her new recipes from prison:
- Roasted turkey 'n' gravy over noodles.
- I got one here: frank on a bun with assorted toppin's, sauerkraut, potatoe rounds, served with a chilled bean.
- Hamburger topped with crispy bacon served with a potatoe wedge, green beans, chilled fruit 'n' milk.
- I wanna have a State Dinner for the President, ya know, and I'll serve-for instance, we can serve white-meat chicken patty on a bun, chilled fruit 'n' milk.

Phil: Ms Stewart, you were remanded to federal prison because of lies that you told to a federal investegator--
Martha: I'll find him too! I'll shank him too!

Mike Tyson

Phil: Mike, you have always been an animal who rapes women and assaults women and bites ears and mugs old ladies and-you were basically a dirtly little punk in Brookland, weren't you?
Mike: Yes I was.
Phil: And wouldn't you say you still are?
Mike: Yes.
Phil: So, I think-then don't you think it's a testimate to a society like America that an animal like you still walks around free?
Mike: Well, I think it is, obviously I do believe that America's a great country but when you say things like that about me what I say publicly is that you're a racist.
Phil: Why would you say racism and not really mean it?
Mike: Uhhh, well, because it immediately pulls the sympathy vote for me.
Phil: Oh, okay.
Mike: Because people will not question me further; they'll simply say they understand for fear that they'd be called racists, too.
Phil: But you do agree that you're a dirtly little punk that outta be in a cage?
Mike: Yes, absolutely, Phil, there's no doubt about that.

Non-recurring or unspecified guests/characters

Jesus Christ: Bababooey

Old Senile Man: I went over to the Department of Motor Vehicles 'cause I wanted to get a Motorcycle License and they said, "Well, you gotta go over here and talk to a man," and I went over to the man and he gave me a ticket and I sat down-I was there 'til eight and they were-the place was closed and I had to spend the night there and when they opened up the next day, I was very hungry and they said, "What were you doing here over-night?" and I said, "Well, I was waiting to get a Motorcycle License," and they said, "Well, you're at Home Depot."

Man who nailed himself to a cross:

911 operator: Did you do it on purpose?
Man: Yes I did.
911 operator: Why!?
Man: I seen the Mel Gibson movie, wanted to know what it was all about. Now it hurts, now I regret it. I was high on speed and I was snortin' crack off a hunting knife.
911 operator: Jesus, H! What a turd.
Man: It hurts, send an ambulance.
911 operator: No.
Man: Please!
911 operator: No, I wont. I'm not gonna do it.
Man: Please send me an am--! Give me another 911 operator.
911 operator: Okay.
911 operator: Nine-one-one, can I help you?
Man: Yeah, I just nailed myself to a cross. I need help.
911 operator: That's nice.
Man: Will you send an ambulence?
911 operator: Not likely.
Man: Are you the same guy?
911 operator: Yeah, I'm just doing a different voice.

IROC Guy: "If you tawk-a-tawk, then wok-a-wok."
Phil: "I don't know what that means...what does that mean?"
IROC Guy: "If you tawk-a-tawk, then you should wok-a-wok."

Callers

(to Bobbie Dooley) Lady, you're crazy, and your husband's crazy. Hooray for you with your big house. You would've been laying up in that big house on crutches if you'd've touched me. I'd a made mud out yo ass.
(to Ted Bell) If you need a spiritual companion, you need to call Ms. Cleo.

Quotes used by multiple guests/characters

Lookit...
Ya savvy?
Bababooey.
Are you for real?
What's THAT all about?
How do you like me now?
YEEEEEAHHHH! I just broke out of hold.
You can go straight to the living hell.
They're dusting off the hot-seat for me!
Why don't you get a piece of fat and slide off?
(after making some stupid point) Ah-aahh! I've got you, I got you there.
That tears it!
Pile it high and deep.
I made brown!
You know what you look like with your good bag and your bad shoes? you look like a rube.
You're getting tooled by 'the man'.
We shook hands and realized it was all a big misunderstanding.