Steve Bosell
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Bio
Steve Bosell, a litigious and emotionally sensitive resident of Corona, CA, has been involved in numerous frivolous lawsuits filed under his attorney, Dolores Blasengame. He is notorious for filing lawsuits citing reasons of emotional cruelty and fondlement, public embarrassment, humiliation, and being "made to look like a fool." Steve is the owner of and general construction contractor for B & B Construction of Corona, CA. (The B & B stands for Bosell & Bosell, even though there's only one Bosell. Steve likes to think that the name represents a "non-stop Bosell".) He is married to April Bosell and together they have two children: a son, Steve Jr, and a daughter, Ashley. (According to some bits, Steve's Daughter is named April Jr.)
Steve's neighbor, Roy Hutchins, is often a target of many of Steve's lawsuits. His chief competitor in Riverside County is Cliff Pettigrew, a former foreman who now owns his own construction company. Steve fancies himself a country western fan and likes to affect that cowboy look including wearing spurs with his cowboy boots. He even wears a sheriff's badge which turns April on, according to Bosell.
Steve is originally from Knoxville, TN and is a recovering alcoholic. At one time he abstained from meat, claiming it could make him physically ill. This lead to problems with his wife when she "slipped some meat" into an allegedly meat-less meatloaf they had for dinner. However, during this time he would on occassion have a "light ham", insisting that ham is not entirely meat.
Notable Bits
- 5-Alarm Chili (January 12, 2000) - After attending a chili cook-off, Steve Bosell thinks his rival "crossed the line" by spiking his five-alarm chili with jalapeno and other peppers. from January 2000.
- Bridges of Madison County (February 28, 2000) - After returning a copy of "Bridges of Madison County" that was 6 months overdue at a local library, the clerk made a comment that Steve might like to check out the gay studies section. Steve was humiliated, and now he's requesting a public forum to clear his name or he'll sue!
- Fingers ID Him as Gay (April 3, 2000) - Steve Bosell is very upset over a story from the LA Times which claims that there is growing evidence that if your ring finger is longer than your middle finger, you might be gay.
- Olive Garden Cowboy (June 7, 2000) - Bosell is upset after Olive Garden restaurant employees laughed at him when he arrived dressed in chaps and a sheriffs badge, and dragged toilet paper out of the bathroom on his spurs. He is filing suit against Olive Garden.
- Terrorist Carwash (January 11, 2002) - While sitting in a Carwash with his son at the local Quick'N Wash, Steve Bosell began to feel his car shake and mistook it for a terrorist attack, after numerous verbal assaults, he is suing the car wash.
- Bottle Of Scope (January 28, 2004) - Steve Bosell is very upset about a sexual harassment lawsuit that has been brought against him by a co-worker. All he did was snap her bra strap!
- "Backdoor" Sex and Hotel Bibles (June 7, 2005) - Steve Bosell is contemplating a lawsuit against the Marriott Hotel chain because he couldn't perform a certain sexual act with his wife knowing there was a bible (at one point, Steve started pronouncing it as "babo" to mock a foreign caller) in a drawer close by.
- Steve brought suit against his daughter Ashley and wife April because they saw him eating a hotdog frank without the bun, and laughed at him because it made him "look queer"...
Quotes
- "I was sleep-raped."
- "Are you calling me a pussy?"
- "Ma'am have you ever taken one off the chin?"
- "Has somebody been working in your backyard?"
- "You don't know combat 'til crap runs down your leg."
- (To veteran) "Do-do you watch reruns of China Beach?"
- "You know something? I'm sorry that you didn't get raped."
- "Oh, now I get it. You think I was battling my pony, now is it?"
- "Ma'am, this isn’t a job for Jesus, this is a job for my attorney."
- "Janet Jackson whips out her nipple and the whole thing goes to hell."
- "I'll say it right now to your face that the Pope's a damn butt pirate."
- "Sir, I have to admonish you: if you call me a crybaby again I can sue you."
- "She's got a cheap cell phone and the host left and now I'm all alone. sigh"
- "I guess I sucked it all the way to the testicle area, they were resting on my chin."
- "We’re going to sue them for denying me the right to be viewed as unretarded during sex"
- (referring to Cupids) "The small babies that can hurt you? I don't know, I'm not familiar."
- "We're hoping to get car washes to put up a sign that says, "THIS CAR WASH CAN CAUSE FEAR.""
- "I'd like to say Roy Rogers would've given up Trigger for the western wedding outfit I had on."
- "Oh, okay, so sticking my head in the oven isn't bad enough, you guys want me to turn it up to broil."
- "You've got three people dirt nappin' because of the Mark of The Beast and I'm insane? J-Jesus, what a stupid bitch."
- "I think its a disgrace that Mr. Gibbons is using our handsome Almighty Lord to win himself a People's Choice Award or whatever."
- "Who do you think deserves a purple heart, your daddy for gettin' a box on him or me for takin' a paintball off the gonad sack?!"
- "She has not won a case yet for me and we've sued, probably, in the last three years... several hundred people, but this one-- god, I feel so good about it."
- "We're going to give the Catholic Church a wake-up call when Steve Bosell gets probed in the butt, they're gonna wish they get into another religion, maybe become Jewish or something."
- "If this guy goes up fishing with some other of my friends and suddenly he's having himself a little, uh, a butt party in a tent. Even if it's sleep butt molestation it's still the same!"
- "The Altadena Dairy Corporation of America needs to make it known that they're making a sharp Vermont chedder that makes people bleed from the butt and think they've been sleep-raped."
- "I'm also suing for emotional kidnapping because when she yelled, "Get the g-d car out of there", it kidnapped my son's good feeling for me and replace it with my son thinking I'm a pussy."
- "At my church that's what they say, "Today, we offer our condolences to the Berger family; they rolled a three. Its very sad and tr-tragic, but that's what happens when you don't wear a seatbelt.""
- (On kids' Halloween police costumes) "Its dark. Its night. You see lights. They bounce off the badge. You think its for real. They wear the hat that looks just like the kind on "Car 54, Where Are You?" or whatever and the black pants...this is what I'm afraid of."
- (About Jay Leno) "He's a strange man. He's a strange man with strange cars. He'll dri-drive down the street waving at you behind the wheel of a Stanley Steamer. He-he's a-a strange man."
- (To caller) "Let me ask you, didn't you find Jesus at the Last Supper in the Passion of the Jesus to be very hot an-and sexy?"
- "Helluva thing in a man's life when you're all crippled up, can't take your babygirl out there on the dance floor there at the gymnasium. I can hear the song now..."Oops, I did it again..." (sobs) Goddang it!"
- "I bent down to pick it up and the back of my leather pants split from roughly the belt line to just under the front zipper under my ball, ugh, under the ball-scrot area ... yes, sir, right up the butt up to just under the zipper so, not only was my butt area exposed but also the genitalia area."
Phil: So you're gonna sue me for callin' you a crybaby and not giving you the name of a guy who's name I didn't know?
Steve: Yes sir.
Phil: "You crapped in your pants?"
Steve: "'Crap' is not really the word for it; crap is solid."
Phil: You think the Knights of Columbus is a front for NAMBLA?
Steve: M-maybe...maybe.
Phil: "Alright, who are you suing?"
Steve: "Well, you say that in a sarcastic way..."
Phil: "C'mon, who are you suing, 'cause I know you must be suing somebody."
Steve: "You assume I'm suing someone?"
Phil: "Are you?"
Steve: "*pause* I am, yeah, but you assume..."
Phil: "Alright, who are you suing?"
Steve: "Well, right now I'm suing Blast-Off Entertainment, they're the ones that provided the fireworks, and Corona Community College. Also directors Oliver Stone and Steven Spielburg. Also, my attorney is planning on suing the Hanes Corporation. I lost control of my bowels and the Hanes underwear I was wearing failed to keep it in. I'm also considering a lawsuit against the Del Taco Corporation for serving me food that came out as diarrhea, otherwise if it came out better, then the Hanes could've kept it in. Also, the Corona Community College Parking Administration. We had to walk a quarter of a mile away from the grandstand area, so as we walked back, there was a diarrhea trail leading behind me and little kids laughed at me. Also, my wife; I was very distressed and needed a hug. She wasn't supportive of me..."
Phil: "She didn't give you a...well, you probably smelled like crap."
Steve: "She wasn't there for me."
Caller: I think you are one sick puppy.
Steve: Yeah, 'cause I go fishing with a Catholic...you're damn right.
Caller: I don't think you know very much about the Catholic religion.
Steve: Hey, I'm the one with the blood coming out of my butt.
Steve: (referring to a check containing the numbers '666') I say to other guys, if you want to bank at the local branch of Bank...First Bank of Satan, then go right ahead, be my guest. Bu-but I won't. I-I'm not. It sure ain't FLIC if you know what I mean.
Phil: (chuckle) You mean FDIC?
Steve: You think this is funny?
Phil: With the money you're paying this attorney, you could stay at a Courtyard Marriot
Steve: D-Do they let you use hotplates there?
Phil: Did you say you're in church tonight?
Steve: Yes, sir I am.
Phil: Are you in mass?
Steve: No, sir I-I'm not. They're having an ovena right now and I- I'm just coming in here to look around. I'm not Catholic but I'm thinkin' about becoming a Catholic an-and such.
Phil: And you're in church? I'm hearing...what's going on there?
Steve: They're...there's like a kid with a drum and there might be some kind of a funeral or something I dunno what but they ain't stopped ringing these bells. Drivin' me out of my mind. The only thing I don't wanna be about being Catholic is about ringin' these bells...you wake up with a steaming hangover and hear these bells on Sunday morning...ma-make you want to commit homicide.
Caller: Mr. Beezil, you sound like a very insecure man...
Steve: Yeah, an-and you messed up my name.
Phil: You see how stupid you sound?
Steve: No, sir, I do not.
Phil: You puttin' me on?
Steve: What did the hat say to the man?
Phil: Are you putting me on?
Steve: Right.
Steve: Did she hang up
Phil: Yeah, she hung up! What was that about?
Steve: Damnit, I wanted to get that line in about her son not being able to read.
Caller: Man, you get on national air and say how you burned your little wee-wee and your butt's in the air. Now, that's the worst thing you can do 'cause know everybody knows that you're a 'mo.
Steve: Sir, may I ask you a personal question? I mean no offense by it. You sound like a gentleman of color.
Caller: I am...
Steve: (pause) I-I didn't know ya'll were on sailboats now...
Caller: You were on a powerboat? Powerboats don't go down.
Steve: Heard of the Titanic? I think that was under power...
Caller: That hit an iceberg. You lookin' for icebergs out there in Newport Harbor?
Steve: I-I have safety concerns. Icebergs i-in Newport Harbor? I don-don't know that...
Steve: Did you son have to-to go through rabies treatment for being bit by a rat?
Caller: No, sir, we don't live in the slums.
